The Voice of My Religion is No Longer God's
by Beatlebug
Summary: Sirius finds himself in big trouble when he falls in love with the new Pastor of his church, a week before his wedding. But the Pastor has a big, dark secret of his own. Will the difference between their worlds keep them apart forever?
1. Chapter 1

**Hi! This might be a little confusion for those who started reading this story earlier so yes.. I started over. It was supposed just a simple and cute short story but after three chapters I realised I made a mistake and then it started growing and well.. Now it's something completely different all together. Stay with me!**

 **Oh yeah. Sirius and Remus were the same age in the first story. What was I thinking. Older Remus ftw.**

 **Summary:**

 **Sirius, the son of a very wealthy and religious family is to be married in one week. His mother has send him to confess in church every day for the entire week to make sure her abomination of an heir will be freed of all his sins before getting wed. Then something happens that turns his entire world upside down. There's a new voice behind those bars.  
A voice with his own life. And his own problems..**

 **Warnings:**

 **I own nothing. Does not contain magic and will eventually turn graphic.**

It was a day like.. Well. Like any other practically. You could call the Ancient and Noble House of Black a lot of things but unpredictable? No.

'Go on. You'll be late for church.'  
'Mom. This is utterly ridiculous.'  
'How dare you call our faith ridiculous!'  
'I'm not! I'm just saying _this_ is. It's hypocrisy at its finest.'  
'How is this hypocrisy?'  
'I don't mean a thing I say! It's utter bullshit!'  
The dark-haired boy sighed as his stormy grey eyes stared angrily at an equally stormy and angry pair.  
'I don't care how you feel about this. You'll get married in a week and we need to rid you of all your sins if we want God to bless this marriage.'

Sirius had his mind full of telling his mother what she could do with her precious blessings and where to stick it but he knew it was no use. They had had this conversation every Saturday for as long as he could remember. Though the _bullshit_ part was a quite recent one. He was really fed up with it.  
But this was his mother and she wanted him to atone. To confess all wrong he had done, was still doing and would probably do in the nearby future. Especially with his marriage on hand. And that made that she now wanted him to atone _every day_ for the next seven days. If that wasn't complete and utter bullshit, than he had no idea what was.

Sirius was quite sure that if there even was a God, he'd see right through his lies. That he _wasn't_ sorry and he would _definitely_ do it again. Surely someone as big and important as God would see right through it because every time again, every Saturday he would be in that chair again, confession to the same silly sins and mistakes. And if that wasn't enough, churches were _cold_ this time of year.

But, his mother was his mother and it was okay to quarrel with her for a while. Eventually she would always win though. As she would now.  
'You'll go right now or I'm calling your father.'  
And that would every time again be the part of it. Because where his mother had the screeching voice, his father had the belt. And the Noble and Ancient House of Black had no problems tanning the backside of their sons, not even their heirs and not even if they were 18 years old. He subconsciously clenched. Sirius loved being obstinate, truly. But not enough to be the one suffering from it. And so, mocking as if he was 8 instead of 18, he put on his coat and scarf and stepped out in the freshly fallen snow. Another thing to hate confession this time of year. If you thought walking outside was cold.. Well. Then you had clearly never been to church in winter before.

.o.o.o.o.o. ****

Cursing was safest outside, where no one could hear him or threaten with his father. Only the little white clouds betrayed he was talking as he mumbled the most creative and colourful curses he could find under his breath. Ironic to do such a things on his way to church but hey, he could just confess and things would be alright.  
'Utter bullshit.'  
He suspected that his best confessions were made during this stroll, not in that stuffy little box in church. It was this route where he so often wished he had the guts to run away. He really wanted to. Fact was just he didn't know how to. He went to a very prestigious school. He learned how to read, write, speak French and even play the piano as the best of them. Perhaps a vague amount of bookkeeping and economics but nothing more. He was an heir of a wealthy and prestigious family, after all. He'd inherit the estate. Why should he learn a trade. So practically, if he'd run away he'd have to problems. He wouldn't know what to do for a living, nor would he have any money. His parents were rich. Until they died, he'd have none. There was one favourite uncle that once vaguely hinted Sirius was in his testament too but he never took that too serious an option. Perhaps he should just become a pastor too. People probably told you the best stuff in confession. He didn't because he trusted Pastor Carrow as far as he could throw him. But, you know. Anything was probably better than what he was about to do.

Marriage. It frightened the shit out of him in several ways, to be honest. He was to marry his own cousin. Somehow _that_ was allowed though he wasn't sure the bible agreed. Apart from that, his cousin was his least favourite family member he ever met. She had a shrill, childish voice and heavy eyes that maniacally stared straight through your soul. She wasn't ugly but she was.. you know. A woman, to start with. And Sirius was pretty sure he was gay. Not that he told his mother that. Or anyone, really. He'd find himself in church, confessing 24/7 if they find out. And yet he was to get married. His parents had given him a choice. Be a proper heir and get married and have lots of babies or become a pastor or priest or anything similar himself. Well. At least he could drink away the torment of a bad marriage. That wasn't allowed in church. And he was pretty sure they'd notice if he'd chuck down the whole glass with every mass. So marriage it was.

.o.o.o.

When he finally reached church, he was sure at least three of his toes were beyond saving. The dusty cubicle was still taken when he arrived so he had no other choice but to add a frozen butt to his toes.

It took quite a while and he enjoyed himself with a series of white clouds in several sizes, ending with spelling his full name in morsecode.  
At long last the curtain opened and Frank Longbottom came strolling out, casual with his hands in his pockets and he shot Sirius a winning smile. Something that struck him as weird. Not that Frank smiled at him, they got along just fine. No one, however, laughed after confession with pastor Carrow. It was something you wanted to get over and done with before the cranky bastard got a chance to make you feel _to_ o bad about the tiniest thing like enjoying chocolate on a Sunday. For a moment he wondered whether pastor Carrow had died in his cubicle and no one was listening. To his disappointment he saw his feet shuffle from underneath the thick velvet curtain so that wasn't it.

He shuffled over to the box and closed the curtain. It was still a bit warm from Frank's backside and even though that doesn't sound pleasant, right now it kinda was. Sirius took a deep sigh and decided to get this over with as quick as possible. There was tea and a furnace to home. And so he rattled.

'Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been one day since my last confession. I've had chocolate on Sunday. I listened to loud music while my mother told me not to, twice. I took a glass of whisky from my father's cabinet without asking. And I put pink hairdye in the shampoo bottle and now my brother's skin is all pink and my mother is worried his skintone won't return normal in time for my wedding next week.'

That was all he could think of what had happened since yesterday. He boringly fumbled with his fingers and the pockets of his coat, waiting for the verdict. He, however, heard something he hadn't expected in a million year. There was no stern voice from pastor Carrow. No.

Someone snorted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two. This, too is stil more or less the same as before though I altered some of the communication and the introduction of a new character.  
From here one it'll all be new so I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!**

There was no way in this world or any other that was Pastor Carrow. He _never_ made such a sound. This was someone else. Someone knew and probably, someone better.

'Did you.. Did you just snort?'  
There was a short silence. But then the person on the other side of the barred window spoke.  
'I am sorry. That was inappropriate.'  
And for a second Sirius' world froze. Well no. It was more than that. For a second he truly believed in a God because the voice was so calm and so balanced that he wasn't even sure it was actually there. But if God wanted to talk to him, surely he wouldn't wait until confession. No, this wasn't God. But there was no way this was Pastor Carrow either.  
'Who _are_ you.' Sirius asked, though it sounded a little more accusing than he intended.  
'My apologies. My name is Remus Lupin. Pastor Lupin.'  
'Are you new here?' Sirius asked, not recalling ever being at a mass, hearing this voice. Surely he would've remembered. He couldn't remember anyone apart from Carrow in any situation though. The man had been there since before he was even born.  
'Indeed.' The calm voice answered. 'I am the current replacement for Pastor Carrow. He is currently healing from an operation but will be back before long.'  
Sirius grunted softly, a sound that wasn't left unnoticed by the other side of the barred window.  
'Got that response a lot today. I'll interpret it as you wishing Pastor Carrow the best and hoping he'll be back soon.' There was a hint of laughter in the voice and Sirius could feel a hint of a smile form on his own lips. He understood why Frank had seemed so relaxed. Pastor Lupin was nice. Yeah. That's what he seemed to be. A genuinely nice guy.  
'Yeah. Of course.' Sirius mumbled, this time the sarcasm dripping from his voice before he realised where he was. 'Ah crap. Should I confess over that tomorrow or can we add it to this one?'  
'Consider it added.  
'Thank you.'  
'You are welcome.'  
There was a short silence between the two of them. This was a confession like none before and Sirius wasn't sure what to do yet. With Carrow it was confess, get your atonement and leave. There was never casual conversation. Let alone one with a funny edge.

'That was it, I think. I can't think of anything else I've done wrong.' Sirius said.  
'Well. That is good to hear. Anything else on your mind?'  
Again there was a silence but this time from Sirius' side.  
'What do you mean?' He asked, clearly confused. 'I confess my sins and you tell me how to atone. Isn't that how this works?'  
'In general, yes. But I believe confession is a perfect place to confess one's doubts or secrets. To, you know. Share any burden really.'  
'Why would I tell you anything? So you can tell my mom?'  
'Your mother?'  
'Yes. I once told Pastor Carrow something personal and he told my mother.'  
'I doubt that. Whatever is told in confession, is private. We are forbidden from talking about it.'  
'You tell him. I don't trust him.' Sirius mumbled grim before realising his mistake once again. He opened his mouth but the calm voice spoke first.  
'Added.'  
And Sirius smiled.  
'So you wouldn't tell my mom?'  
'In case you didn't notice, confession is anonymous. I have no idea who you are.'  
Sirius closed his eyes. Of course. Pastor Carrow knew his voice because he grew up with him around. Pastor Lupin had never met him.  
'Of course you don't.' He sighed.  
'So, is there anything else you want to talk about?'  
Sirius thought for a while and could think of a thousand things. Things he never spoke about to anyone. But he wasn't sure whether he could trust pastor Lupin yet.

'Not yet I think.' He admitted.  
'That is alright.'  
'Not that I don't trust you..' He started but Pastor Lupin interrupted him.  
'No need to apologize. Trust is an important and fickle thing. If you decide you can confine in more than just sins, you'll know where to find me.'  
'Yes. Thank you.'  
'Still welcome.'

'There is one thing I've wondered for a while though..' Sirius started.  
'Ask away.'  
'Do pastors confess?'  
There was a silence. A long, thick silence Sirius couldn't place.  
'Of course we do.'  
'Not with us, I assume.'  
'No. We confess with other pastors.'  
'So you confess with someone in particular or different pastors?'  
'Just the one.'  
'And he confesses with you?'  
'Yes.'  
'That's a lot of secrets between two people. You must be good friends.'  
Again Pastor Lupin fell silent and this time Sirius could place it. It was an easy statement that could be easily answered with yes or no. The fact Pastor Lupin fell silent told him they weren't friends. Not even close. But he wasn't to dig. He slightly leaned forward towards the barred window between them but it was too dark to see something more than just a vague silhouette.

'Well.' Sirius started a little too cheery to try and break the uncomfortable silence between them. 'It was nice talking to you. You have a lovely voice.' It was a stupid thing to say but it cleared the air instantly.  
'Thank you. It is inappropriate to say, but so do you.'  
'Thank you. I'll see you again tomorrow.'  
'Planning a lot of mischief?'  
'Not really. I'm getting married next week and my mother wants me to confess every day in an attempt to purify my dark soul I think.'  
'Oh. Well then I'll see you again tomorrow.'  
Sirius rose from his seat to open the window when the gentle voice spoke again.  
'If it means anything to you, I find it hard to believe you have a dark soul.'  
Sirius opened his mouth to say something but there was no response that seemed right. So he opened the curtain and walked out.

The church was completely empty, apart from one other person. From the collar he wore, Sirius saw he was a priest too. Still he was not to compare with Carrow. Nor did he display any of the kindness pastor Lupin's voice held. He was tall with broad shoulders and a chest like a barrel. His eyes were slightly squeezed as he watched Sirius, eyes going up and down his body as if he was checking him out. It almost seemed.. jealous. It didn't make any sense.

He gave the guy a short nod but got no response. It made him feel horribly uncomfortable. And so he quickly made his way out of church. Had he waited a little while or perhaps even glanced, he would've noticed the other curtain opening as well and a tall but slender man stepping out with a softly dazed look on his face. A look that completely disappeared when he realised the company of the other pastor. They engaged in a soft but one-sided conversation before the taller man took a first grip of pastor Lupin's arm and pushed him back into the stall before sitting down in the other one himself.

Had he witnessed that.. Than things perhaps would've gone completely different.


	3. Chapter 3

**NeonDomino; you cute little impatient thing, you! Here's the third chapter, just for you. And for all other readers, of course.. Thanks for the reviews, favourites and followers so far! I'm sure we can do even better if we really try!**

 **I'm working up on something and it's gonna be different than what I'm used to so I hope it works out alright. There's a lot more going on behind the scenes than in the actual story and I'm not used to that!**

the entire way home, his head was filled with that voice. He wasn't sure why it enticed him the way it did. One explanation was he just wasn't used getting addressed in such a calm and kind matter. The other explanation was something he wasn't sure he was ready to think of. It was ridiculous, really. They had engaged in conversation for what, three minutes? Pastor Lupin was a kind man, he was sure of that. But first of all he was nothing more than a voice. And second of all, he was a pastor. The voice of the church, spokesman of God so to say. A person who pretty much resembled everything he _didn't_ believe in.

But the more he told himself this was ridiculous, impossible and probably not true, the less he noticed the streaking cold of the long way home. As if something secretly had gotten under his skin, resting there to grow into something bigger he wasn't sure he was ready for. And whatever it was that had found itself a home there, it made the house he lived in look even more gloom and cold when he finally reached it. Perhaps it always head been or perhaps he was just exaggerating (something he was rather good at to be honest) but he was sure dark clouds packed over his head the moment his fingers touched the cold snakelike door-knocker. Matching, the three knocks sounding like thunder. All that was missing was some dramatic rain, lightning and a hunchback minion. He was sure the latter could be arranged.

A little, hunched man opened the door.  
Ta da.  
'Master Black.' He mumbled as he bowed and opened the door.  
'Kreacher.' Sirius mumbled back with matching disregard to the servant. They had never gotten along. Kreacher thought he was an abomination to his family. Sirius thought Kreacher was a pretentious, whiny little bitch.  
Behind the ugly little servant stood Walburga Black, her small but stern form waiting for him, arms crossed in front of her and it was in that moment Sirius realised something was amiss. Not with her. With him. He hadn't received his atonement. Sirius cursed under his breath. He was so caught up in the conversation he completely forgot what he was actually there for. As had Pastor Lupin, though. It wasn't _entirely_ his fault.

'Well?' She asked impatiently and Sirius' head started racing. She wouldn't know about the other things he did. The lying, the alcohol. But she did know about the shampoo and his pink brother. (He had a hard time not laughing when he remembered the look Regulus had given him. It hadn't been panic. It had been a glare that meant nothing more than _Really._ It was meant for his mother..)

'Fifty.' He said, hoping she wouldn't catch the slight insecure tremor in his voice.  
'Fifty? For what you did to your brother?' The voice screeched through his head. It seemed even more harsh and unpleasant with pastor Lupin's voice still fluttering through his head like an annoyingly resilient but pretty little butterfly.  
Sirius just shrugged. He was a pretty good liar but at this moment also a distracted one and he wasn't sure how much more he could say without sounding in doubt.  
'Fine. Go.' She motioned upstairs and Sirius was on his way to the stairs when she spoke again. 'And when you're done, wait for your father.'  
Something sank in his stomach. His father had been gone for a few days on business and so he was convinced he'd gotten off the hook for the shampoo prank. Apparently that had been wishful thinking of the best kind.  
'I can't hear you.' His mother shouted from downstairs and with a shaky sigh he sank down on his knees and started his fifty prayers. It was complete bullshit.

By the time he was done, the amount of prayers that had left his mouth were closer to a 100 than 50. His mother made him re-do the prayer if he made a mistake and today he made many. He couldn't stop thinking about the voice. How much he'd love to hear it again. To feel safe for a little while. On the other hand he was not looking forward sitting down on the hard bench after his father's visit. He wasn't sure how bad he would take it, having a pink son. But he couldn't imagine it would be good.  
'Done.' He finally shouted downstairs but the response that came wasn't from his mother and came from a lot closer than he expected.  
'Good.' A voice spoke, more tired than angry. He looked up to see an older, slightly less sharp version of himself in the door opening. 'You know what to do.'  
Sirius nodded as he rose from the ground and walked to the foot of the bed, the weird twist back in his stomach.  
There was one thing you had to understand. He wasn't afraid of his father. No. It was his mother he feared. She was cruel. Something he thought she was even sadistic. He was sure she didn't like him behaving badly but she _did_ enjoy him getting punished for it. His father wasn't like that. He was a rather decent guy, as far as that went in the Black Family. But he had tried every form of punishment he could think of until the only alternative left was what all Black families did. Good old fashioned corporal punishment, usually administered by a member of the staff. And at least his father was man enough to do it himself.

.o.o.o.o.

The night had been about as confusing as the previous day. He had a whole collection of dreams that night about him storming out of confession, running to a garden. Did churches even have gardens? And every dream ended with Sirius wearing the white collar while falling in the arms of another man without one. It made no sense.  
It was a good thing he slept on his side for his mother would not have liked the hard-on those dreams left him when she woke him up. It wasn't the usual morning wood. This was ridiculously hard and he could still feel the hint of arousal in the pit of his stomach. His mother wasn't pleased with him. He slept through the alarm and he was to be in church soon, preferably before confession was over. To his mother's shock and surprise he couldn't agree more and after a short, cold shower to calm things down and stuffing a piece of toast in his mouth, he jumped out in the cold.

He took a little sprint. He couldn't care less about confessing or a blessed marriage. There was no way he was going to miss confession. He had to know if the voice really was what he remembered. If it was that good or hopefully even better.

'Forgive me father for I have sinned. It's been one day since my last confession I'm sorry I'm late I hope I'm still in time.' He rambled as he ran in the little cubicle.  
'Of course you are.´  
It was as good and probably even better. It really was.  
Without thinking it through he fell down on the wooden bench. That was stupid and he inhaled sharply.

´Are you alright?' The gentle voice sounded genuine worried and a lot closer than it had the previous day. He wondered if Pastor Lupin was leaning in to make sure he was okay. Not that it made much of a difference with that ridiculous piece of wood between them.  
'I'm fine.'  
'Are you sure?'  
'Don't worry. Shouldn't you be thinking about my immortal soul?'  
'Right now I'm more thinking of your mortal body.'  
And with that, Sirius' heart skipped several beats.  
'That.. That didn't sound how I meant it.' Pastor Lupin said and Sirius was sure he heard a soft chuckle in the voice.  
'You sure?' He teased and immediately cringed. Damn it Sirius. This is a church, not some cheap ass café. He could hardly pass the man a beer.  
'Quite sure, I'm sorry.' The man spoke, this time with clear laughter in his voice. 'Why don't we talk about what you're actually here for instead this turns incredibly inappropriate.  
Sirius knew it was a joke but it took him all his restraint to stop flirting.  
'Yes of course. Uhm. Confession.'  
'Confession indeed. I believe we both have to admit some foolish stuff.' Lupin said and Sirius eyed the bars with big eyes. There was no way in the world he could know about his dreams, right? But when the silence remained, Pastor Lupin continued talking.

'We completely forget to finish up confession properly. I'm not sure where I was with my head.'  
'Yes, that was silly.' Sirius said and frowned. Since when did he use a word as lame as _silly._ 'But I prayed fifty Hail Maries so I hope that's okay.'  
'Fifty? For a little prank? That seems rather harsh.'  
Again Sirius' eyes widened.  
'My mother strongly disagrees with you. She probably thinks I'm a dark soul. Perhaps even Satan spawn. She'd given me 500 for just that prank.'  
He moved and this time unintentionally gasped as the friction made the sting of his backside burn even more.  
'Are you sure you are alright?' Pastor Lupin asked again, his voice this time overflowing with concern. 'You don't sound well.'  
Sirius was quiet for a little while before he spoke again.  
'I told you she didn't agree with just the fifty.' This time his voice was hushed. He never spoke about these things. Ever. He wasn't sure if it was shame or just something you didn't talk about. And it felt weird to spill it to someone he didn't even know.

'Oh. I'm sorry.' The other man whispered.  
'Don't be. Nothing I can't handle.'  
'If you are sure..'  
'I am.' He wasn't, of course. But he wasn't going to bother the kind man with that any longer.  
'Then let us continue. It is not my place to pry.'  
A part of Sirius wished he would so he could blurt out all that he hated so much about his family. But he could feel this wasn't the time. Not yet.

'Nothing really happened since yesterday, though.' Sirius continued clenching his fists. That was a lie, of course. He had had very sinful thought about the man on the other side of the wood. But he wasn't sure he was ready to confess such a thing, let alone to the men involved.  
'Apart from the running out of confession, which I believe you already atoned for with the fifty prayers. I'll include the other ones with that.'  
'And for this time?'  
'Nothing happened so nothing to atone for, I'd say.'  
Sirius snorted.  
'My mother is not going to buy that.'  
'Well. If she doesn't, let her call me.'  
'She doesn't have God's number.'  
Sirius blurted the incredibly inappropriate joke out before he knew it but a big grin spread on his face when he actually heard Pastor Lupin burst out in quiet laughter. With a giggling sigh to get himself back in order he turned back to the barred window.  
'There's a phone in the sacristy.'  
'Ah. Well. Then I guess we're done.'  
'I guess so.'  
And Sirius rose from his seat, slightly disappointed he couldn't think of more things to talk about.

'Sirius..' The voice spoke and Sirius paused for a moment.  
'Yes?'  
'I promise that if you ever need my help, I'll be there. You don't have to face this alone.'  
'Thank you Pastor Lupin.'  
'Would you do me one last favour?'  
'Sure.'  
'Please just call me Remus.'  
'Remus.' Sirius repeated and the name felt even better coming from his lips than it had hearing it.  
'Good day Sirius. I'll see you tomorrow.'  
'Tomorrow.' Sirius repeated again, feeling rather stupid. But it was as if something inside of him melted.

He was halfway home when he realised the man had called him by his name.

Wasn't confession supposed to be anonymous?

 **Well. That turned out longer than expected! But I couldn´t find a proper way to cut up the story. I hope you liked this chapter! Next one is almost done. Trade me the next chapter for some inspiring review** **?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Alright. I can't help but noticing reviews are going very slow lately, and not just with me. What's going on lovely peeps? Has the Wolfstar (hate that name) ship sunk? What happened?  
Either way I love this story so it'll be finished, damn you! Appreciation or not!**

What Sirius predicted came to be. His mother called the church as soon as he got home so to speak empty handed. He leaned against the wall next to the phone as his mother called and someone soon answered. Even through the vague mumbled tones he could hear from this distance, he realised it wasn't pastor Lupin. It sounded harsh and Sirius found it easy to match it with the man he met the day before. The priest with the angry eyes.  
There was a short sound and a rustling noise after his mother demanded to speak to Pastor Lupin as the voice was handed from one hand to another. This time Sirius' heart skipped a beat when he recognized the hushed voice through the phone. A gentle and kind voice to explain to his mother that he had been a good boy and he wasn't lying.  
Something tingled in the pit of his stomach. Perhaps it was because for the first time in his life, someone stull up to his mother, telling him he wasn't just Satan spawn. Perhaps it was just because someone seemed to think he was worth the troubled of having to talk to his wretched mother. Or perhaps it was that something tried to tell him he wanted Pastor Lupin to call him a good boy in more ways than one.  
He pursed his lips, something his mother interpreted as indifference. But it was a motion of a whole different kind. Sirius had appreciated the existence of Pastor Lupin in a lot of ways. But now that odd thought had escaped his mind, he realised he couldn't deny it. Whatever was in Lupin's voice didn't just sooth him or make him feel welcome. It turned him on.

After a while his mother more annoyed than angry hang up when the conversation was done, gave Sirius a short look and then made her way to the kitchen to do whatever she felt like doing. Perhaps rigorously cleaning something. She had people to do that for her, of course. But it was still something she always seemed to turn to when she encountered something she wasn't sure how to deal with. Sirius himself turned to the closest bathroom he could find, undressed quickly and took a freezing shower. He wasn't ready to deal with these thoughts.

.o.o.o.o.o.

It had been a hard night in a variety of manners. It had taken him all his self-control to not slip a hand in his pants and please himself while thinking of that faceless man. He couldn't. Besides, how would he ever confess about a thing like this, just when he found someone he felt he actually _could_ confess to? And so he tossed and turned for the better part of the night before falling into a troubled sleep.

It resulted in him waking up way too early. He munched away some breakfast but it all felt like ash in his mouth. Something had changed in him, overnight. From a gay man that was about to marry a woman, he was now a gay man about to marry in woman with a strange obsession with a priest. He wasn't going to call it _being in love_ because it couldn't possibly be that. Nor had he ever been in love so he had nothing to compare it to. But he was quite sure it was impossible to love someone without at least a _hint_ of physique.  
 _But perhaps that it what you start to believe when you've been told your entire life that your looks are the only thing you got going for you as your behaviour is shit_ Sirius thought gloomy.

He found himself walking in the snow. Somewhere in the back of his mind he realised it was way too early and confession wouldn't start for at least another twenty minutes if he arrived. But somehow sitting in a freezing church, overthinking his life seemed about the right thing to do.  
That wasn't about to happen either as the door of the church was still locked. He walked around the corner towards one of the small doors that lead to the chapels on either side of the church. Those were open most of the time, sometimes even at night in this kind of weather. You couldn't always enter the church through those but at least he could sit somewhere and light a candle or something. That door, however, was closed as well. He was about to just go for a stroll until it was time when he heard something. He pressed his ear against the cold, wooden door and was sure he could hear the vague rumble of an argument. There were voices. They seemed hushed through the thick would but Sirius had experienced enough anger to know this wasn't hushing. Someone was angry and it didn't seem like a churchy situation whatsoever.  
One of them was Remus, he was sure of that. The other voice, a lot louder, sounded a lot like the tones he had heard on the phone the day before. He sounded angry but far away.  
Sirius looked around him real quick, not sure why. Then he realised there was another chapel and another door at the other side of the church. He almost took a fall as he slipped on some eyes on his way around but as it turned out, that door was open and he quietly slipped inside, crouching behind one of the benches to make sure he wasn't seen. The voices were a lot clearer now and one of them definitely was Pastor Lupin.

'Fen. Please.'  
'Confess!'  
'This is ridiculous.'  
'Is it?'  
One of the voices was Pastor Lupin's. The other he didn't know.  
'Of course it is. You are seeing things that aren't there.'  
'AM I?'  
The voice was so loud and harsh even Sirius almost toppled over. Then there was a dull thud and the voice again.  
'I'll show you exactly what I'm seeing!'  
'Fen, don't!'  
Pastor Lupin's voice was weak as another dull thud followed and Sirius now realised it sounded like someone getting pushed into something wooden. A confession booth, his guess would be. With a quick mapping of the church (he never used this entrance) he realised it was right next to him.  
'You are taking it easy on him! What's that supposed to mean. WELL?'  
'Fen, don't.' Remus repeated again but this time his voice was weaker and it finally faded away after another dull thud and a pair of shoes angrily making their way to the back of the church. The sacristy, he'd guess.  
When he was sure the other man was gone, he opened the smaller wooden door that separated the chapel from the rest of the church. It wasn't locked, luckily, and he shuffled over to the booth.

He softly made his way into the church, though as fast as he could. A leg stuck out from the confession box and he made his way to it, whispering.  
'Remus.'  
Of course the man had told him to call him that but it hadn't felt completely normal yet. Now it seemed it was the most automatic thing to do as he didn't even notice he called the man by his first name.. Sirius did, however, notice the curtain from the box was quickly pulled shut as he came closer.  
'It's not time yet. How did you come in.' The voice sounded tired.  
'The chapel was open.. I thought I should..' He wasn't sure what he thought he should. Rush in and save the day?  
'Sirius?' The voice sounded surprised. Sirius wasn't sure if he imagined it or there was actually a sound of relieve in the word.  
'Yes..'

There was a short silence in which he saw how the leg moved and the man clearly pulled himself up to sit down. It was followed by a sound that held somewhere between a stifled moan and a whimper.  
Sirius made a move to open the curtain again but it was forcefully pulled shut again.  
'Don't.'  
'But you're not okay!'  
'I'm fine.'  
'No you're not! I heard that.. that guy push you into something. You may have broken a rib.'  
'Damn it Sirius, I'll be fine!'  
Sirius squeezed his mouth shut. Why wouldn't the man let him help?  
'That's inappropriate language for a priest.' He mumbled angrily and Remus grunted.  
'Yes well. Sorry. I'm not in a very holy mood right now.'  
'No need to take it out on me.' Sirius grumbled though he had a hard time not laughing at the remark.  
A sigh erupted from the curtains.  
'No. No you are absolutely right. My apologies.'

His hand reached for the curtain but a soft whisper stopped him.  
'Don't.' He said again.  
'Why not. You need help.'  
'I can handle this, I promise. It's better if you don't see me now.'  
'God..' Sirius mumbled, not realising it was inappropriate. 'What has he done to you.'  
'Nothing he hasn't done before.'  
'This is not okay. You have to tell someone!'  
'And then what? He's a man of the church. We're not supposed to do such things and they won't believe him. '  
'But what if they will?'  
'Exactly. You heard how he was, just because of you. Imagine what he would do if I betrayed him.'

Sirius could think of a gazillion things he wanted to say at that moment but he realised none of them was going to fix the situation. If this was a game of chess and they were the priests, he was just one of the pawns. Hell. He was probably one of the squares. What could he possibly do.  
'Perhaps we should just start confession?'  
Sirius, still standing in front of the curtain nodded, though Remus couldn't see, and sat down in the other cubicle. He didn't even bother to close the curtain. No one was in here.

'I.. I haven't sinned. At least I think not.'  
'Then why did you came?'  
 _I wanted to hear you voice.  
_ 'My mother.'  
'Ah. Of course.'  
'Can't we.. Can't we talk about..'  
'We can't.' Remus said, his voice clearly pained in a way that wasn't physical.  
'She's gonna call you again, you know.' Sirius mumbled.  
'She can call me all she wants. I'll never stop telling her I believe you are a good person.'  
Sirius still wasn't sure why this affected him so much. He just didn't want this man to be hurt.

'You really shouldn't..' His voice trembled. It felt ridiculous. He knew what it felt like to be abused  
this way. He knew Remus was right and that you'd get used to it and find a way to live with it. But it felt so wrong that a man he pictured as kind and warm had to go through something like this. He couldn't find more words to say as he rose from his place and stepped out.  
'I know.' Remus whispered.  
Sirius waited for a moment, leaning his hand on the wooden bar between the two spaces. His fingers ghosted the curtain and curled around the edge. He felt as if there was more he should say. This that could change the way things were. But what could he possibly say. Luckily he wasn't the one to speak.

'Sirius..'  
'Yes?'  
'I..'  
The silence that followed was almost soul crushing. What use was it if two people who seemed to lead such similar lives had no way of sharing their pain? Then something happened he hadn't expected. A hand slid from behind the curtain, the fingers covering his own in a way more than friendly matter. Sirius stared at the digits, long and slender. Pale but soft. He felt like he could cry when he realised there was nothing in the world he wanted to do right now than interlace his fingers with Remus'. The soft voice that now had a partial body made it even worse.  
'Thank you.'  
Something exploded in Sirius' chest. A dire need to rip open the curtain and see who belonged to that voice. A voice he wanted to surrender to in whatever way. But he couldn't. And so he pulled away his hand, his shoes making an awful noise as he hastily made his way to the little chapel and ran out. Ran home. Ran to whatever place he hoped his heart couldn't follow him.

Little did he know how much he would soon regret this response.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi! Thank you for being a person that is still reading this story! I know it's been a while and now I know why. The whole story was completed in my head but I couldn't put it on paper. I've struggled with it for weeks. As it turned out, Remus was getting** _ **too**_ **invisible and the story too one-sided. It no longer worked for me.**

 **That's why I decided to do a chapter from Remus' point of view. After all, we all know who he is. It's not like I have to keep him a secret from** _ **you.**_ **Just from Sirius, a little while longer.**

When had the time come that waking up in pain was something normal.

Every move he made to try and make himself more comfortable ended in whimpering sounds, turning the night into a rather sleepless one. He hadn't lied when he said he could handle it. Still it wasn't something anyone should ever get used to. But somewhere over the years, that was exactly what had happened. His hands grazed past his ribcages. Nothing broken, thank god. Nevertheless it hurt, black and blue scattered along his pale skin.

Remus swung his legs and sighed. It was still dark and it would be for quite some time. He hated winter, as if it felt it did nothing to help him ease him mind. Plus, everything was so _cold_. And he never was much of a morning person, something that obviously clashed with his line of work. Even worse this week. What church had confession _every day._ And if that wasn't the worst, it was also on the other side of town, leaving him to walk for hour in the freezing cold because he couldn't even afford a bloody bike. He was offered to stay with Carrow when they asked him to replace, of course.  
 _No one in his right mind would choose to share a house with that old cod._ Remus thought. Carrow had been a teacher way back when he was still studying and he never liked the guy. Old fashioned and grumpy.

The floor felt hardly any colder than his practically frozen feet. There wasn't really much money to afford a comfortable, warm house either. His fingers followed a trail of goosebumps to his upper arms. The bruises where Fenrir had grabbed him were stark. Good thing it was winter. No one would expect anything short-sleeved for quite some time and by then, these bruises at least would've faded.

Remus made his way to the bathroom. He felt angry with himself though he couldn't pin point why. Probably because, even as a grown man, he'd let someone treat him like this. To punish and humiliate him as if he was a stubborn child.  
His eyes found a reflection in the mirror and he sighed. In a moment of inattention he'd grown old. Grey hairs stranded the soft brown and small wrinkles surrounded his tired eyes. He wouldn't say he was ever truly handsome but now.. Now he looked just like his apartment. A place that made you wonder how a 36 year old soul could ever live in such a lived-down mess. The cold lighting made the bruises look even worse. He squeezed his eyes shut, fingers grabbing onto the cold sink as voices from the previous day echoed through his mind.

 _'YOU ARE LYING TO ME.'  
Sharp fingers dug in his flesh and the world around him blurred as his head hit the wooden post behind him.  
'It's just a boy, Fen.' Remus had whispered, biting back the cries of pain as he felt his skin bruise.  
'YOU THINK I DON'T SEE IT?'_

'See what.' Remus mumbled as he squeezed out the last drop of toothpaste from the tube and attempted to fix his hair. Good thing he could more or less live in hiding until Sunday. He could at least _hope_ he'd get a decent night of sleep before then.  
Something panged in his chest as he realised there was a wedding first, though.

'He's just a boy..' Remus whispered, repeating his own words with a bitter taste in his mouth, knowing perfectly well what Fenrir thought he saw. Because was he that? Just a boy?  
With a sigh he splashed water in his face, not knowing where to start with all that was wrong with this. Sirius was a boy. Remus was a man of the church. Sirius was about to be married. Remus was.. otherwise occupied. Sirius was just a voice and.. And so much more.  
Remus shivered as he remembered his hand gliding over Sirius' in that one moment of weakness. How touching that skin made him feel something so strong.. Frankly he was surprised a portal to hell didn't just open right there at that moment to suck him up. But it had happened. A whole different kind of fuzziness that had nothing to do with his bruised arms or banged head had filled his world. And when he was sure Sirius was far away, he'd opened the curtain just the tiniest bit and peeked around the corner. Just in time to watch the boy leave the church. A slender but fit frame, covered in a stylish coat that seemed too thin for this weather. Arms that casually swung beside his body. A nonchalant, naturally graceful tread and black curls bobbing about with his every move. He was sure he'd never see anything that attractive again in his life


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi people! Thank you for reviewing/favourite/following since last chapter!  
Glad to see the Remus side of the story was appreciated. So I'm keeping that up for another few chapters to give the story a little dept. I know that I'm painting him off as extremely poor by the way. Perhaps that doesn't suit the job but I have my reasons for it :)**

 **Reviews are very, very welcome and will of course motivate me to write more and perhaps finish other stuff too! It's good to know people still like reading your stuff :)**

The church made no difference to his home or the snow outside. It was freezing cold and he wouldn't be surprised if every passer-by on the way could hear his clattering bones. The only thing that made the church a better place was the soft smell of the candles burning in the little chapel and the colourful, gentle shadows of the luscious stained glass windows.

It was something that calmed him, even as a child it had. But what was supposed to be a safe heaven, almost a heaven, had over the years slowly turned into hell. And yet, so recently, he found a little spark of happiness. Even now he found his heart trembling in anticipation. The anonymity of confession, despite him knowing Sirius' name, didn't make it any easier.  
every pair of shoes, every shuffling of the curtain could ignite that spark, flame that unwanted desire and every time it wasn't him, he died a little, again and again.

The thick, velvet curtain and the wooden box did nothing to thaw his frozen bones as he waited and waited, listening to all the boring, innocent confession. Kids, send by their parents, having done nothing more than stealing a cookie. Nicking a dime to get some candy. Pinching their sister. Seriously, the most exciting thing he had heard so far was a kid getting stuck in the car while stealing said cookie. A smile formed around his lips as he remembered how he had snorted at the remark. It was unprofessional but it had set of a rather fragile but interesting friendship..

 _Sirius had been late before._ He kept telling himself over and over. _He'll be here._ But still he couldn't help but feel the want was incredibly inappropriate. That, perhaps or obviously, Fenrir was right. Of course he was right. The little chats they had, the subtle teasing made him realise he should probably burn his collar at the spot. He pulled up his legs as if he hoped that sinful flame in the pit of his stomach could somehow make him feel a little warmer. He couldn't wait to get a cup of tea. There would be a bible study later on so if he'd be lucky, it would be warm there too. Sometimes they even had decent sandwiches. And God knew, no pun intended whatsoever, he could do with some decent food. Plus, if that went well and took long enough, he'd have an entirely Fenrir-free day. And that was something he needed so bad.  
He shifted every now and then to become vaguely aware of a sense of warmth of the fabric of his clothes.

He felt as if he could fall asleep right there and then in that little dusty cabin. Allowing him to travel to a place far away where he'd eat all the food he could think of, warm and cosy with a good-looking but faceless man with a chipper voice.  
'Hello?'

Yes.. That voice. It had something sharped and lived yet something sweet and warm as well. As if someone pushed an entire life of experiences in one soul.  
'Are you there?'

With a heated shock as if someone squeezed his heart, Remus shot up straight so fast his neck cracked.

'Sirius?'  
'Yes..'  
'I thought you wouldn't come.'  
The words left his mouth before he fully realised their meaning and felt a blush creep along his cheeks. Glad Sirius couldn't see. There was a short silence, followed by a voice filled with an emotion he couldn't quite place.  
'Of course I came. My mom would kill me if I hadn't.'  
'And we wouldn't want to upset her.'  
Sirius snorted at his remark and Remus shook his head. He didn't want to behave like this. Really. But with Sirius it was so easy to be funny. To completely forget who they truly were. A young man about to be married and a popsicle of a priest.

'So. No more pink brothers, I hope?'  
'Oh no. Fixed that and I have no other brothers to dye so.. I'm afraid that's done.'  
'Good, good.'  
There was a moment of silence. He had no idea what to say. Luckily Sirius never seemed out of words.  
'You sound tired.' He stated, his voice sounding incredibly close. Remus looked at the gorgeous ornamentel metal between them, wondering if he could catch the heat of Sirius' breath if he leaned in close enough but immediately discarded the desire. Nevertheless he realised Sirius hadn't fully closed the curtain and a vague ray of light touched his ebony curls. If he would only move so Remus could see his face.. Perhaps that would cure him forever. Though in no possible way could he believe Sirius' face was one not worthy of looking upon. He was probably as sharp and gorgeous as a Greek statue.

'Please don't worry about me, love.' Remus mumbled sleepy. He didn't even realise what he said. Even the short, probably shocked stumble in the other cubicle went by unnoticed.  
'How could I not..' The voice mumbled.  
'Is there anything else you want to talk about?' Remus asked as he propped himself up against the wood in the other corner, closer to the voice. He worked as hard as he could to ignore the feeling of care the mumbling voice held and closed his eyes. It was very hard not to give in to a kind soul of it was the first you encountered in a long time. Perhaps it was just that.. Someone was being kind to him and he forget what that felt like. Perhaps if he kept telling himself just that, he would eventually believe it.

'There is, actually.' Sirius said and Remus waited. He could feel a thickness in the air between them, betraying Sirius wasn't done talking yet, merely searching for the right words. 'It's.. It's rather private, though..'  
'That sounds like you should talk to a doctor about it.' Remus frowned.  
'No, no.' Sirius replied hastily. 'Not that kind of private. More private in a sinful way. I guess. Physical. Mental.'  
Remus swallowed as his mind took control and came up with a gazillion physical sins.  
'Are you talking about your…' Oh for fuck's sake Remus, spit it out. 'Your chastity?'  
Way to go Lupin. But he was on the right track.

'Lack thereof, more likely.' Sirius mumbled and Remus felt things stir that should be obedient and quiet.  
'You.. uhm.. You shared your bed with another woman before marriage?' A flushed face, twisted stomach and heat prickling in his neck. Remus never saw himself as a prude. Not particularly. But talking about this with _him._ That was something different altogether.

'Well..' Sirius started and Remus wished he could freeze time to not hear the outcome. He could not imagine any answer that would not drive him crazy. And he was not wrong. 'You see.. They weren't women.'

'I'm not sure I'm the one you should talk to about this kind of thing.'  
'But you said I could talk about everything I wanted. I'm in bloody confession, if this isn't a sin to confess then I don't know what it.'  
Remus swallowed.  
'It's just that this is.. perhaps.. Perhaps I'm not the person you should talk to about this.'  
'You already said that. Why not.'  
'Because..' Remus couldn't make the damn words leave his mouth. Because what? _I know nothing of the_ sort could be an answer but also a complete lie. Still he had a pretty good idea where this was going and he wasn't sure he was ready to hear it. He could be completely right or completely wrong and either way he didn't want to know. But Sirius wasn't one to shut up.

'Because it's concerning you?'

At that moment Remus swore he could feel hell's flames nip at his ankles.

 **Next chapter is probably quite a long one and will involve a lot more communication between Remus and Sirius that previous chapters. How do you think an intimate conversation between these two would go in this situation? Please let me know, you might just inspire me to hurry up.**


	7. Chapter 7

**There we are again! Thank you so much for reviewing, favouriting and so on. It's so appreciated! As promised a chapter with a lot more conversation between the two, revelations, doubts and whatnots. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It feels like a completely logical way for this relationship to.. flower. I can't think of a better word.**

'I'm not sure I understand.' Remus said, hoping Sirius wouldn't notice the shaking of his voice. There was a short silence. Remus hated it. Silence without a face was getting unbearable.  
'Don't tell me you don't feel it.' Sirius breathed through the metal frame, his breath almost visible in the cold air if it wasn't for the darkness. So symbolic.  
'Sirius..' Remus started but he had no idea how to follow up, even if he wanted to. Which he didn't. He wanted more of that voice. Needed more. But sins were sins for a reason, he knew that. Still it fell as if he would burst if Sirius wouldn't speak those sinful words. No matter how hard he had to fight his own sinful answers. He was a priest. Longing and desire weren't things he was supposed to feel, especially not for a young man.  
'I've been with countless men.' Sirius continued and Remus wasn't sure he wanted to hear. Either because he couldn't stand the idea of Sirius with other man or because it made him sad, wondering what such a young man had gone through to feel the need so shamelessly throw himself in the arms of others. Sirius continued, unaware of the battles fought in the head of the man he so wanted to convince. 'They made me feel something I could never feel with a woman. Not even my fiancée. Well. Especially not with her really. But you.. You make me feel something they never could altogether.'  
'I'm just a voice, Sirius.' Remus answered. He tried to keep his cool, so to speak. To protect Sirius from whatever ridiculous thing he wanted to say or do.  
'Exactly!' Sirius exclaimed and Remus automatically shushed for him to keep his voice down.  
'Exactly.' Sirius continued softer but his voice was still fierce. 'If you can make me feel like this with just a voice, just a few simple words. Imagine what we could do if we saw each other. Imagine what we could be if we could.. If we could touch.'  
'I'd rather not.' Remus answered as a shiver ran down his spine. He never knew the word _touch_ could be so beautiful. _This can not be. I can not drag him down to hell with me._ If he just kept telling himself that, he'd eventually believe it, surely. _This can not be. This can not be. This can not be._

 _'_ This can not be.' He said out loud.  
'Why not? Because you're just a voice? You won't be tomorrow.'  
'Yes. Because we'll meet at your _wedding.'_ Remus retorted. 'What part of that did you miss?'  
'Then I won't get married.' Sirius stubbornly answered.  
'Of course you will get married.'  
'No. I won't. I'm calling it off.'  
Remus wondered whether his heart of brains would give out before this conversation was over. The first was beating so fast he could hardly follow and the second tried to come up with so many reason why he should or shouldn't that it literally hurt.

There was another, long silence. He gently pushed away the curtain but the church was completely empty. No excuses to cut the conversation short. Though obviously only part of him wanted to do so. He knew this couldn't end well but at the same time he didn't want it to end. Hearing someone speak out such desire was, perhaps, a sin. But it had been so long since Remus had someone genuinely talk to him this way. He was weak. So weak. So cold and so in need of warmth.

'I need to see you.' Sirius whispered and this time his breath formed clouds in the small ray of light Remus had welcomed when lifting the curtain. Proof that Sirius was actually there and not just a figment of his frozen brain.  
'Please don't.' He said as he retracted his foot and left them both in darkness again.  
'I want to love you.'  
There was a short silence and when Remus finally found his voice, it was filled with pain.  
'You can't love me. I'm just a voice.'  
'That's why we should meet! Meet me and we will no longer be just voices.'  
'It would be wrong, Sirius.'  
'Why?'  
'Why? Are you serious?' His voice sounded colder than he intended to but he was torn with emotions. He wanted to be as convinced as Sirius that this was a great idea but on the other hand he couldn't shake the idea of Sirius being young and, perhaps, naïve.  
'We would've met tomorrow!'  
'Yes. To _marry_ you. You'd be a married man. I can't keep telling you this, Sirius. It can not be. It is impossible.'  
'Nothing is impossible. We'd just be two more people in love. People will understand.'  
'No Sirius, they will not.' The cold in his voice made place for something tired. He didn't want to crush Sirius' dreams but he had been here before. Full of hope and want and need. And the world had struck him down. If he couldn't be with Sirius that at least he'd have to protect him from his own foolish fantasies. 'They will see a man of the church and a high born boy. A pervert and a young man, too blue to realise what's happening.'  
But no matter how hard he tried, deep inside he could feel the ice chip away, knowing that with a few well-placed word Sirius would be able to shatter his entire protest.

'Why are you so fixed on not being happy.'  
Those weren't the words Remus had expected but they hit him like a dagger in his heart. How could Sirius possibly know.  
'It's him, isn't it.' Sirius whispered and Remus felt both ice cold and burning up. If it had taken Sirius this little time to figure out, who else knew?  
'I don't know what you mean.' He whispered but it was weak.  
'The priest with the deadly eyes.. You deserve better. Whatever way you are involved. He hurts you, Remus. You deserve better.'  
'Do I? You don't know me, Sirius. I'm not a good person.'  
'Says who?'  
' I do.'  
'Well so did I, didn't I? My mother told me I wasn't a good person and so I believed her and I told you. And _you_ refused to believe her. And now I refuse to believe you. A bad person wouldn't make me feel this way. You could never make me feel bad.'

There were so many things Remus wanted to tell Sirius but all words failed him. Could it truly be that after all he had been through and all he had done, someone was willing to love him, unconditionally, just like that?  
'You.. You don't know me.' But every argument was weaker than the one before.  
'And you don't know me.' Sirius said. 'I'm an eighteen year old brat, spoiled yet completely against everything my wealthy family stands for. Stubborn and cold but I'd go to hell and back for someone I love. And I know, I just know I could grow to love you if you'd let me.'  
There was a shot silence.  
'And about not knowing you.. My guess would be you weren't always destined to be a priest. Something happened you thought a mistake and this was your way to redeem. But somehow you only got caught in more, so to speak, mistakes and now you are just punishing yourself for something that perhaps wasn't even your fault to begin with. I'm offering you a way out of that life.'  
'But what if you are just another mistake?' Remus cursed himself as his voice almost sounded like a frightened child.  
'I may be a lot.' Sirius snorted. 'But I'm no mistake. An opportunity not embraced to its fullest at most.'

Remus smiled softly. Opportunity didn't do him any justice. Sirius was a force, pulling everything in his orbit while circling past.

'You know it's true..' Sirius whispered. Remus could hear the tears in his voice.  
'I know.' He whispered before he realised.  
'Then why do you do this.' Sirius almost begged. 'I _need_ you. And I know you need me.'  
'Sirius..' Remus started but he knew there was nothing left to say.  
'We can find a way to make this work. With or without bibles and churches.'  
This time it was no longer begging. It was a promise and Remus realised he no longer wished he could believe it. He actually did.  
And how exactly did you have that planned.'  
'I'll get a job.'  
'You don't need to. You are rich.'  
'No I'm not. My parents are rich and I'll get nothing until they die. Knowing them they'll probably live another 100 years just to spite me. But I don't care. I wouldn't m ind being poor with you.'  
'What do you know of being poor.' Remus sighed. 'I bet you haven't been hungry or cold for a day in your life.'  
'Then will move to Hawaii. No need to be cold.'  
'What about the hungry?'  
'I'll fish.'  
'Can you fish?'  
'No. But I'm a quick learner.'  
And for a living?'  
'We'll start a surfing school.'  
'Can you surf?'  
'Still a quick learner. And I'm bloody gorgeous. People would pay just to see me in shorts.'  
Remus snorted but quickly realised he'd probably give everything he owned to see Sirius in shorts.

'Just think about it.'  
'I'd.. I'd need time to figure this out. How to leave and.. and what to do then..'  
Remus' eyes widened as he realised what had happened. Sirius had washed his doubts away. A boy he had only met a few days ago. A boy he had never seen for more than a few seconds in the distance. A boy without a face. But somehow he was willing to throw this safety he had away.  
'I understand.' Sirius said. 'And I promise I'll give you that time. But I need to see you.'  
'But tomorrow..' Remus started, not sure what to say.

'Tomorrow before the wedding I'll come to confess. After confession, you will open my curtain and if you do not see what I expect you to find, I'll get married and you'll never hear from me again.'  
'And if I do?'  
'We elope.'  
'How romantic.' Remus snorted though he had to admit it was a lovely idea.  
'Promise me you'll be there?' Sirius had shown many emotions in the past, who knew how long but this time his voice was so fragile and vulnerable he wished he could reached through the wood right there. But he had to be strong. Be patient.  
'I will always be there for you.' Remus whispered and at that moment, he truly meant it. 'I'll see you tomorrow.'

He sat there, alone in the dark and cold while he heard Sirius open the curtain an walk away. He wondered what he would do. Talk to his parents? Was his heart beating as wild as Remus' was? Was his head secretly teasing him with the away of waking up on a Sunday morning in a bed with a man in his arms that loved him?  
Remus shook his head.  
No rush. No rush. This was ridiculous enough as it was. There were things he had to do.  
He had to go home.


	8. Chapter 8

**NOTE: I've updated two chapters in two days. Make sure you read the previous one before starting on this one.**

 ****His heart was pounding. His feet were practically outrunning his body and he couldn't get home fast enough. What was he gonna take? Who should he tell? Where would he stay? Perhaps he could give Dora a call..  
The door of his building received some rather creative curse-words while Remus struggled to get the key in and he practically ran up the stairs to his apartment. Yet he came to an unexpected halt when he reached it. The door was on a chink, the wood around the lock slightly chipped. His fingers touched the splintered wood as his heart continued pounding, this time for a completely different reason. Remus pushed the door open softly, finding exactly what he expected. Not a ransacked home. Not a robbery. Everyone knew this building was a dump and the most expensive thing to steal was, if you were lucky, a microwave or a phone. No. It was what he expected.  
Fenrir was sitting in his favourite chair amidst a heap of rumpled paper, one piece in particular between his fingers. Remus knew he had figured out how to make an impression and had probably been waiting here ever since Remus had left.

'How.. How did you get in.' He said, knowing accusing him of breaking and entering as probably the least good idea.  
'You left the door open.' The man carelessly answered, piece of paper waving towards the door. It was a lie. Even if he hadn't seen the damage Fenrir had done, he still would've known. Remus _always_ locked his door for this exact reason. To not come home and find the person he hated, _dreaded_ the most in the last place he could call his sanctuary.  
'So. How many times have you read his vows and hoped they were yours?' Again he waved the piece of paper and Remus recognized it as Sirius' wedding vows. He had, indeed, read them over and over but not for the reason Fenrir thought. They had been a reminder that he could never have this man.  
'I haven't.' He said and Fenrir shrugged.  
'Perhaps not.' He rose from the chair, his impressive frame casting a shadow in the cold room. He wasn't particularly tall, Remus probably had an inch on him, maybe two. But he was broad and strong where Remus was not particularly skinny but definitely not as broad-shouldered. He tried not to flinch when Fenrir came closer.  
'Perhaps not.' He repeated. 'But I know he came to see you after our fight. Poor little thing. So caring and beautiful. That sad look in his eyes.'  
Remus felt his insides turn to cold as Fenrir grinned, knowing his plan was working.  
'Oh yes. I forgot.' He lifted his hand and touched Remus' cheek. Not in a loving way but more as someone would touch a doll they'd grown bored of. 'You've never seen him, have you. Well. I have. He is absolutely gorgeous.' And again he smiled. It was fowl.  
'Where are you getting at.'  
Fenrir raised an eyebrow at Remus' response but didn't seem distracted.  
'I just thought I should tell you.' He spoke as a concerned father and it made Remus feel sick. 'You've been distant lately and I can't help but think it's because of him. Did he speak honeyed words? Make you any promises? Well.. He clearly hasn't seen you before.' Again his fingers touched Remus' cheek, this time tracing a vague scar. 'No one could love this face. This scarred body.'  
Remus could feel a furious blush of shame wash over his face and wished he could do something. Stand up against Fenrir for _once_ in his life.  
'He could love me.' Remus said but his voice was weak and whispering.  
'Oh please.' Fenrir said as he took a firm grip of Remus' cheek. 'You are being kind to him. He is being kind to you. I don't think you know what you are doing.'  
'But..' Remus started but he couldn't finish. He couldn't ignore how the words seeped into his brain, digging their way through earlier promises. What if he was right..  
'You are a man of the church. As am I. I am good for you, Remus. It's no use to seek it elsewhere.'  
And that sparked something in Remus he thought lost and gone a long time ago.  
'No!' He said, soft but firmly as he pulled himself free from the grip. He could still feel the fingers burning on his skin.  
'No?' Fenrir asked, amused by Remus' attempted change of heart. But Remus felt stronger than Fenrir thought he could.

'You are NOT a man of the church. And you are NOT a good person!'  
'Don't be ridiculous Remus.' He sighed as he took a step closer but Remus stepped further away from him. 'If I am not a good person, then neither are you. We've sinned and we've sinned together. Don't think I won't drag you down with me.'  
'I never wanted this to happen!' Remus said, fighting against the tears. 'I NEVER SHOULD'VE LET YOU DO THIS TO ME.'  
'You are overreacting. Idiot.' Fenrir growled as he took another step closer. Remus tried to back away further but got stuck between Fenrir and the wall.  
'You better make this up to me.'  
Remus felt completely dumbstruck. Was nothing he said clear?

'Wha-at?' He stuttered, still shocked at how disinterested the man stood in front of him.  
'You have no right to behave like this. Get on your knees.'  
Remus just stared at him in fearful surprise.  
'Get on your knees, now.' The man repeated as his hands moved to his pants.  
'No.' Remus whispered. The hands paused.  
'Excuse me?'  
'I said no!' Remus repeated, this time a little louder. 'You will leave now or I swear I will kill you.'  
The man arched an eyebrow, clearly not impressed.  
'I don't know what that boy has put in to your mind but it is poisonous. He is getting _married_ tomorrow, Remus. You can not have him.'  
Remus' mouth was nothing but a thin like now. He never said any of these words to Fenrir. He wasn't even sure whether the man was just guessing, trying to hit the right snare. Remus wasn't going to give him the gratitude.  
'Well. I see there's nowhere to go with you right now.' Fenrir sighed, again bored as he reached up his hand again and slowly wrapped his fingers around Remus' throat.  
'But if I can't have you.. _He_ most certainly won't.'  
The fingers closed in as Remus closed his eyes.  
His head pounding as was his heart.  
Tears streaming down his body.  
His mind not replaying his entire life but the silhouette of a young man, walking away from him.  
 _He could've loved me._

 **Sirius, 15 Hours later**

'You know I'd marry you myself if I thought it would stop you from doing this.'  
'Don't flatter yourself. You could be my butler at most.'  
'Bloody hell Sirius! Just because my name is James does not mean I'm gonna be a butler! I'm rich! _I_ need a butler!'  
'You're not as rich as I will be.' Sirius mumbled as he straightened his tie.  
'I can't believe you're going through with this.' James grumbled as he disagreed with Sirius' tie arrangement and pushed it back.  
'I know what I'm doing.' Sirius said.  
'Is that why you are so chipper? Are you expecting some horse on a white prince to swoop you away before the altar?'  
'Maybe I do.'  
'Who did you round up this time. Surely Benjy is sick of being your little booty call.'  
'Not as sick as I am of him, surely. No. It's not Benjy.'  
'Picked someone up in a bar?'  
'I haven't been to a bar in a while.'  
'In a week. I'd hardly call that a while.'  
'It's quite a while for me.' Sirius said as he swatted away James' hand to redo his tie. They got engaged in a little tie-fighting when there was a knock on the door.

'Come in.'  
There was a knock on the door as his brother popped his head around.  
'Do you have yours vows lying around? Mom needs them.'  
'What for? She gave them to pastor Lupin days ago.'  
'Yes, I know. But Pastor Carrow is back and he kind find them.'  
Sirius froze in his tie-battle with James as he looked at Regulus through the mirror.  
'Pastor Carrow?'  
'Yes. Apparently pastor Lupin left. Just as good, I guess. Mother never liked him much.'  
'When did he get back?'  
'This morning.'  
'Is he.. is he better?'  
'Not quite but apparently pastor Lupin called last night he wouldn't come and nobody's been able to get hold of him since.'  
'They're.. They're in the sockdrawer.'

Sirius frowned at himself in the mirror as Regulus rumbled a bit, took the pieces of paper and left. It took quite some time for the message to sink in. James attempted to touch his tie again but Sirius pushed him off, rather hard this time.  
'Dude. Careful.'  
But Sirius ripped off his tie and threw it at James.  
'You wear it, then, if it bothers you so much.'  
'What's gotten in to you?' James frowned, his mind working how Sirius could go from being so hopeful to being completely miserable.  
'He promised he'd be there.' Sirius whispered as he stared at himself in the mirror, a sadness in his grey eyes he'd never seen before. 'He promised.'  
'Jesus Christ Sirius, he was just a substitute priest.'  
'He's a bloody liar.' Sirius mumbled as he gave up the fight with his tie and sank down in the chair in the corner.  
'What are you being so upset about? I know you don't like Carrow but he was to marry you anyway.' James frowned at him but all of a sudden something seem to struck him.  
'Sirius.' He started, his voice accusing. 'Please tell me that prince on a white horse was not Pastor Lupin.'  
'How could he be. He's a man of the church.'  
But Sirius knew he couldn't fool James.  
'For fuck's sake, Sirius.' He sighed as he sank down in another chair. 'I won't say you brought this to yourself but you sure know how to make a complicated life even more so.'  
'Preaching to the choir babe.' Sirius grunted and James gave him a look, knowing the airy tone of his voice wouldn't reflect what he felt. And it didn't. Frankly Sirius wasn't sure how to feel. Angry, sad, betrayed. Cold that, once again, someone he cared for disappointed him. What had he expected. Was he really that arrogant to think he could convince someone to leave everything behind for a boy they just met? Apparently so. And he got punished for doing it under the eyes of God.

'We better get going.' Sirius said as he jumped up from his chair. 'A man doesn't get married every day!' But the cheeriness of his voice fooled neither one of them.

He fought against his tears when he left the room, James in his wake as if they were to attend a funeral instead of a wedding.

 **So.. I bet you wanna know how that works out, huh? Review and I'll post another chapter! And another.. And.. Probably then the last one.**


	9. Chapter 9

**There we are again! The end is neigh and it makes me so sad.  
I absolutely love the portrayals in this story.. Ugh. So, if anyone has any inspiration for another story, please let me know!**

 _Exactly one year and 11 hours later._ ****

 **'** She's pregnant. We found out today and by we I mean she.'  
The silence between them was heavy, the crowded bar did nothing to hide it.  
'I know you're supposed to congratulate but.. My response would be to ask how that happened.'  
'Really? You're asking the gay men how it works? Poor Lils.'  
James punched him in the shoulder rather hard and Sirius smirked even if it was bitterly.  
'I'm not joking, jerk. I just thought you guys didn't.. do it. Shouldn't you at least be with her or something?'  
'I'll leave that to the father.'  
'Tha fa.-? Oh.'  
'Hmhm.'  
Sirius took a rather large gulp of beer as if he hoped it would drown everything.  
'You sure?'  
'Quite. If it was mine, it would've been born by now.'  
'That long, huh.'  
'Not long enough.'  
Another silence and Sirius knew they both thought of the same thing. They had discussed it, once, when Sirius still felt he was supposed to be a good husband and sleep with his wife. It had been downright awful. He wasn't necessarily repulsed by women, though he preferred not to be intimate with them. He was just repulsed by _her.  
_ 'I can't believe it's been a year.' James sighed as he moved his glass around, stamping wet circles on the bar.  
'I can. I've counted every bloody day.'  
'You could get divorced..?'  
'Please. It's sad enough that I'm a 19- almost 20 year old married to his cousin. I don't feel like being a 19- almost 20 year old divorcee.'  
'You are right, a 19- almost 20 yea old convicted for killing his wife because she drove him crazy is so much cooler.' But James' voice wasn't joking.  
'Promise you'll come visit me.' Sirius tried to joke but failed. The silence grew even heavier as a rather drunk splashed most of her beer over the bar, causing James and Sirius to move a few seats to the left.

'Do you still think about him?'  
The question seemed to come out of nowhere but Sirius knew it had been on the edge of James' lips ever since he arrived. They had cautiously avoided the subject over the past year. But now that the jar was opened, he realised how much he needed to talk about just that. About how terribly missed that man every single day.  
'Too much.' Sirius answered, annoyed by how fragile his voice sounded. 'Though I guess the lack of intimacy isn't helping either.'  
'Intimacy? That's a fancy word. Isn't just sex enough anymore?'  
'Not having any, mate.'  
'Seriously? I know we never talked about this but I just assumed you'd be out cruising guys that look like him to get your fix, or something.'  
'Someone that looked like him?' Sirius asked, about to comment that he hadn't the slightest clue when James continued.  
'Yes, you know.' He made some movements with his arms. 'Tall, brown hair, friendly eyes. That kind.'  
Sirius was convinced his heart stopped beating at that moment.  
'You.. You've seen him?'

James stared back at you.  
'Haven't you? I thought you were so madly in love with him.'  
'Yes… But I've never seen him. It was just.. just his voice.'  
'Christ, Sirius! You can hardly blame me for assuming you've at least seen the man you've fallen in love with. Just a voice is a fairy tale and then some!'  
'I can't help it! He just sounds.. I don't know. Sweet?'  
James shrugged.  
'I guess he looked kinda sweet. Fuck. What am I saying, I'm no expert!'  
'He just.. I don't know James. He made me laugh. He made me feel like a good person.'  
'Don't I do that stuff?'  
'Would you prefer me to fall in love with you?'  
'No thanks.'  
'Then shut up.' Sirius softly nudged James. The latter smirked. He knew Sirius was right. Having a lover was not the same as having a good friend. He loved Sirius to death but Lily.. Lily made him feel things Sirius never could. As a friend, mind you.  
His friend's voice woke him from his thoughts.

'How come you _have_ seen him?'  
James raised an eyebrow.  
'He doesn't live in that booth, Sirius. At the end of confession he comes out and goes home, you know. I've seen him coming out of church twice and after confession once.'  
'Tell me exactly what he looks like!'  
'Jesus Christ dude. It's been a year. I don't know. As I said, tall, was probably skinny at some point in his life. Brown hair, friendly eyes. Brown too, I think.'  
'How old was he?'  
'Early fourties? Late thirties at most. _Too old!'  
'_I need details, dammit!'  
'Well.. I do remember a scar in his face. Rather big, it really stood out. All red and raw.'  
'A scar..' Sirius repeated. Somehow he always assumed Remus to be unblemished. A tall, scarred man..

'I'm going out.' Sirius stated as he forcefully put his beer bottle back on the bar.  
James wanted to answer but wasn't sure how to.  
'James, don't be such a pussy. You know I'm gay or ages so yes, I'm going to get me some ass.'  
'Something similar to _his_ ass, I presume?'  
'You presume right.'  
For a moment it seemed James wanted to oppose but then he shrugged.  
'Are you sure you should?'  
'You assummed I've been doing this for a year, why would this be a problem now?'  
'Good point. Just.. Just be careful, yeah? If this somehow helps you to forget, be my guest.'

Sirius knew it wouldn't give him any rest but he needed to get laid so bad. 

.o.0.o.

It was loud. The music was thumping, the lights flashing and it was just what he needed.  
No one caught his eye, not in particular. They were either too old or too young to his liking. To buff or to fat, too sissy or to butch. It wasn't good enough it wasn't what he needed. And so he ordered another beer and gulped it down, immediately ordering the next.

Then the world stopped spinning, the music slowed down and the lights seems to focus on the door as it opened and the person that walked in was all he needed.  
His eyes followed him to the bar, where he ordered a drink and sat down on a barstool.  
He didn't know if it was the truth or the amount of alcohol but the man looked bloody gorgeous. Tall, with his broad shoulders and narrow hips. The figure of a man who, once, perhaps had been skinny, almost frail, but time had taken it's toll. But it was the look on his face that made him feel connected the most.  
He seemed as miserable as Sirius felt, himself. Almost as if the man's mimic was meant for him. Sad, brown eyes and light-brown hair, streaked with grey. He could imagine Remus would look somewhat like this. And if he did, Sirius would be perfectly fine with it. There was no thick, raw scar on his face but he didn't care. He probably like it better like this.  
With a slight moment of hesitation, Sirius slipped of his own barstool and sat back on the one next to the man. He tried not to stare but it was hard. Even more so when the man turned his head to look at him and Sirius saw a short shimmer in his eyes as the man nodded and raised his glass. Sirius did too and they toasted on something in their own minds. They connected, drank their beers and placed the glasses on the bar. They had several more, until Sirius realised he'd be uncapable to do anything useful if he'd drink another.

He leaned over and shouted something in the guy's ear but the music was too loud. The guy shouted something back. After a while Sirius made it clear he wanted to go home. The man, in turn, mimed he lived nearby and wouldn't mind to go there. Together.

The gorgeous specimen asked something else but the music was still ringing in his ears and he couldn't hear. Perhaps he was too dazed to hear it all together. And so he just smiled half heartedly as he wrapped his hand around the tall man's upper arm and allowed him to walk him 'home'.

 **Please please pleaaaaase review! There's like two or three chapters left and I'm dying to know what you think**


	10. Chapter 10

**Alright so I'm having a real hard time finishing this story. I'm really glad I got some reviews because that pretty much motivated me to try to finish the next chapter. I think I managed it! There's just a few more left.**

The night was cold. People passed them, tucked away in their coats and scarfs, blowing little huffs of white. It reminded him of a walked he once took himself to a certain church. That church was on the other side of town, though, and it seemed a long lost memory. Besides, he was fighting so hard to decide whether he wanted to fantasise this man to be Remus or not that the church probably would've made him gone bonkers. Even now he wasn't sure what he was doing.

As said before, not a day had gone by the past year he hadn't thought about Remus. It was ridiculous, really. But he was obsessed with him. At first, he refused to believe the man was really gone and had basically turned everything around to find all the information he could. But there was hardly anything. He had found an marriage announcement in an old newspaper from years ago but that didn't seem right. The man he met was a priest, not a married man. And that was basically all. No pictures, no names, no family. He couldn't find a damn thing. So perhaps James was right. Falling in love with a voice and nothing more was just too much. A year with this little sex hadn't exactly done him much good, either. He couldn't focus on a damn thing and his wife being pregnant from someone else didn't exactly work either.

And so he decided to just enjoy this little moment and revel in the warmth of the body next to him that gave him more comfort than he had had in a long time. They didn't talk. He thought perhaps at some point the tall man might've said something but his ears were still ringing from the club and by the time he turned to face the brown-haired man, the latter was just staring in the distance. Silence was good, Sirius decided. No silence meant no ruining the fantasy. _If_ he decided this man could be Remus, that was.

After a few minutes of walking the man stopped and took a turn to a front door of a rather nice building. Nothing too posh but decent enough. As he turned his key, Sirius tried to quickly glance at the names near the doorbells but he couldn't really read. He followed the man and had to restrain himself when the elevator doors closed on them, making for a perfect movie moment. The moment just didn't seem right. Nothing seemed right, really. Sirius could tell the man wasn't used tot his kind of intimacy. Or maybe just not with another man. However, the frown on the man's face made him wonder if they were here fort he same reason. Perhaps that wasn't mind blowing seks but some comfort and solace to forget whatever was fucking up their mental state.

So it came that instead of jumping his bones, he wrapped his arms around the man's wasit and rested his head on the man's shoulder. He could feel a heart beat heavy against his cheek as arms responded to his initiative. This. This was what he needed as it turned out. Not something mindless but a firm hug by someone who had no reason to know or judge.  
'Thank you.' He whispered, his voice nothing more than a ghost of breath. Sirius could feel the tall man nod and was pulled into his chest a little tighter. He snuggled closer into the sweater, grateful for the moment of intimacy. It was a bit sappy, yes. But everyone needed a little sappy in his life every now and then. Especially when an unhappy marriage and a pregnant wife couldn't give you any.

After a while they parted, hands still lingering here and there, not eager to let go. He could feel sthe heat of his skin burn through the fabric of his dress-shirt. It was one of the best sensations in the world, Sirius was sure of that. The man opened his mouth to talk but Sirius placed his hand over the man's lips before he could say a word. More out of an instant response than on purpose. He needed to be able to think this could be Remus. What if the man spoke and he sounded nothing alike. What if he had a horrible voice. It would ruin everything, just when he found something he needed. The complete opposite. This time not a voice without a body but a body without a voice. The man stared at him with such surprised intensity that Sirius lowered his hands but shook his hand to make sure the man understood he didn't want him to speak. And so the man just nodded, apparently not feeling the need for this odd boy to clarify himself. Instead he just grabbed his hand when the elevator doors opened and walked him to a door down the hall.

Something sparked inside Sirius' stomach when the digits automatically intertwined with his. As if they did it every day. The man let go of him when he rummaged to find another key and opened the door, welcoming Sirius in. They hung their coats on the rack, Sirius was placed on a couch and they had a little moment of silent laughter when he was asked whether he liked coffee or tea without words. The man eventually just ran into the kitchen to return with a coffeepad and a teabag and Sirius simply pointed. When he was left on the couch again and glanced through the living room, something sank in the pit of his stomach. He wasn't sure whether it was regret or hope but it confused him to his limits.

Did he want this man to be Remus or not?


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay so.. I realise last chapter was ridiculously short and I should be punished for leaving you without a follow up for so long. So here's another one. I'm quite satisfied with this though it kinda jumps from place to place. But next chapter will be so much better. I promise :)**

For those who still care; English is not my first language and I'm not patient enough to let someone beta so yes, there'll be hasty mistakes.

It turned out to be a rather short visit. The moment he downed his coffee, an uncomfortable feeling crept over Sirius. He didn't want to be here. He couldn't. He shouldn't.  
Not because of Bella or the baby but because of Remus. It felt like cheating. The discomfort got accompanied by anger. He didn't own Remus shit. The man had just abandoned him. He could just shag this man's brains out if he wanted to and there would be nothing to feel guilty about.

But he couldn't. He simply couldn't. And so he put his cup on the table, gestured some vague apology and goodbye and left. No looking back because he couldn't stand to see the disappointment, surprise or anger on that sweet face he so wanted to be Remus.

.o.o.o.o.

There hadn't been a _where have you been_ or even a _welcome home_ when he stumbled in at seven in the morning, not necessarily drunk but not completely sober yet either.

Instead of going home he had just wandered through the city. He hardly felt the freezing cold as he passed his parent's house. There was a slight shiver when he walked past his uncle's house and he wondered whether to ring the doorbell and sleep on Alphard's couch or not. He stood there for minutes at an end but something stopped him and he continued his walk. It wasn't until he passed the church that the cold took him over and he felt frozen to the core. It had been a beautiful, almost romantic setting. It was still dark but the soft light from the candles flickered on the stain glass windows of the chapel. The very one he had been hiding in when he witnessed the fight between Remus and the other priest. Sirius couldn't even remember his name. He shivered when he remembered how he had grabbed the wood of the booth and how those slender fingers had covered his. It had been a year ago and so barely a touch but something inside of him knew nothing would ever be good enough after that.

Now he was back home, a place just as could, no matter how hard the fires were burning. It just wasn't _him._ It was just another Black family house. Dark, green, silk and cold and nowhere close to a house. And no welcome.

In fact, no one was awake yet though the familiar coat (that wasn't his) on the coatrack made it clear he wasn't welcome upstairs. She could at least have the decency to.. Well. No. He had planned to stay at James' before his abrupt change of plans. And it wasn't as if he didn't know they did it in _their_ bed. Which wasn't really _theirs_ anymore as Sirius slept in the guest room most of the time. Who was he kidding. There had never been a _theirs_ in the first place. The closest he had ever come to anything _theirs_ was that cursed confession booth.

He fell down on the couch and pulled the mostly decorative blanket from the armchair to cover himself. Perhaps he could get a few hours of sleep before miss Bitch would wake him up. Sirius huddled in the blanket as a vision of the friendly face with the warm eyes ghosted his dreams.

.o.o.o.o

 _Two months later_

'We'll use the Black family crib, obviously. But my mother had set aside some different sets of bed-linen for us to see so we can decide which to embroidered. Perhaps we should get two sets in advance. Pink embroidery if it's a girl and blue if it's a boy.'  
Bellatrix just kept on rambling about as they walked in the soft spring sun. The lack of coat accentuated her baby bump and it made him feel even worse than he already had. Embroidered bed-linen. As if a baby cared. They couldn't even _read._ Not that Bellatrix would ask him. He was just there to keep up pretences, really. After all, people kind of assumed he was the baby daddy. That thought actually made him shiver.

Probably the worst thing about spring was all the happy families running about. Mommies and daddies and kids slurping their ice cream or playing with the fountains. He knew he would never have that. Even if he _could_ love Bellatrix and if the baby _was_ his, he was still a Black. And they weren't supposed to eat ice cream or play with fountains in public. His eye got caught by a laughing woman, sitting on the edge of the fountain. She had three ice cream cones in her hands and was staring fondly at a little boy, standing in the fountain with his pants rolled up as high as he could. Why couldn't he have that? He still wouldn't love her like he was supposed to but she seemed fun. A good mom. All from her genuine smile to her bright pink hair made her everything Bellatrix would never be.. The little boy was probably her kid, happily splashing towards a taller figure, sitting on the edge with his feet in the fountain. Two pairs of shoes randomly thrown at the mom's feet, one pair big, the other small. It was a happy little family.

Sirius noticed just in time Bellatrix had stopped to check out a shop window for maternity clothing. By now he knew she could take ages window shopping, whether it was to approve, to ponder or to mock the quality. And so he took his time to day dream about the happy little family again. Father and son had abandoned the fountain and the father was now kneeling to tie his son's shoes. It was such a sweet and gently moment and the realisation he never knew any love as simple as that left a bitter taste in Sirius' mouth. It made him long even more for the ice cream cones the mother now returned to their rightful owners as the family turned towards him to continue their sunny spring family time. And it was that moment Sirius would've frozen in place if he wasn't already standing still. The father looked at him and he looked back, recognizing the man from the bar. The man froze in place too, a blush creeping up his face as his son took his hand and kept walking.

As if things weren't bad enough, Bellatrix chose that exact moment to turn around and complainingly ask Sirius if she needed new close because she wasn't sure whether these did anything to hide her baby bump. Which it didn't. There was a lot of confused glaring and frowning involved. The man glared at him, at Bellatrix and at the baby bump. Sirius glared back at the little boy and the woman that was now taking out a hanky to clean the melting ice cream of the man's hand.  
He was confused. He was a married man too, sure. But he wasn't exactly known for his balanced and decent lifestyle. Somehow he had assumed this man was all that. Perfect and decent. And now he was here, walking with a wife and a kid.  
But it wasn't anger that flared inside of him. It was curiosity. He wanted to know why. Or how. He knew what he had to do.

He had to go back to the bar.

Tonight.


	12. Chapter 12

**So.. Waiting for so long and then two in a row. I'm on a roooollllll. But I can't promise how long it'll take before the next one's up.. I hope soon! This well be one of the last chapters and I'm so thankful for all your reviews and support so far. It means the world to mean to know people enjoy what I write. Thaanks!**

Sirius had dinner fast and impatient while Bellatrix rambled on about her pregnancy, what to name the baby and who to be the godparents. She knew just fine Sirius couldn't care less but it wasn't in her nature to care either.  
When dinner was finally done and Sirius escaped to his dressing room, he spent the better of two hours to fix his hair and decide what to wear. Eventually he settled for tight, black jeans, a simple white shirt and his leather boots and jacket. It seemed like the right look. After all, perhaps the man didn't show up at all and he could at least have a good time. A little attention never hurt anyone and he _was_ rather gorgeous. The leather jacket was perhaps a bit too cold for this weather but he didn't plan to spend another night on the streets walking about, no matter what. Perhaps tonight was the night he'd finally get over all this Remus nonsense and get laid. Because whoever wanted to be his witness knew he could do with some.

He told his wife not to wait up and that he would be spending most of the evening and night with a rather unaware James. She vaguely waved her hand as a sign she heard him without looking up from the magazine she was reading and off he went. Tucked away in his coat, as best as he good because bloody hell this was some poor decision making, he made his way to the bar. It was probably still too early but there was no shame in a little liquid courage. He wasn't very keen on admitting it was he was nervous as fuck. Was he so in need of hearing the man explain about the woman and kid?

Sirius tried to take it easy with the beers but ended up with 5 empty glasses in no time. Good thing he was a good drinker. At least it took the edge of. Enough, even, that when a hand was placed on his shoulder he could muster a smile to welcome the stranger when turning around.  
That happy face unfortunately disappeared as soon as he got sight of the owner of the hand. It wasn't _his guy._ Instead he was facing a rather old, greasy geezer that was asking him to join him on the dancefloor. Though asking was bit of a stretch. He basically just grabbed Sirius as if he was some trophy and started pulling. Not very hard but the strong grasp on his wrist had a clear _you have no saying in this._ He didn't want to dance with this guy. He was waiting for something better and he couldn't be distracted. And so he pulled back. The man turned around and gave him a look that made clear he wasn't used to people telling him no. Now that Sirius got a better look, the man wasn't necessarily greasy or gross. His clothes were actually rather fancy and he was probably a sugar daddy, used to the young boys joining him, having a night of 'fun' and going home with expensive new clothes and a fancy watch. Sirius felt a pang of insult. Surely he didn't seem like he needed someone else to look after him. He was a Black for fuck's sake, the richest family in probably the country. Not that the man knew. Or was impressed, for that matter, and so he just turned around again and started pulling.  
It was too busy in the little café for anyone to really notice what was going on. The music was too loud and he was sure no one would hear if he'd start shouting. But he wouldn't be Sirius Bloody Black if he'd at least kick the man to save his pride.. Fortunately that never happened because as if out of thin air a tall figure appeared, blocking the man's path. Out of surprise the man let go of Sirius, who quickly took the opportunity to step back, out of his reach.

Sirius heart jumped when he realised it was the man he had been waiting for that had saved him. The geezer wasn't impressed and puffed out his chest. For a second Sirius thought he saw a flicker of fear in the tall man's eyes but he quickly recovered and look down on the older man. Sirius had already noticed he was quite tall before but with the calm look in his eyes and one eyebrow raised, he made a rather strong impression. His calm was almost scary and he was standing there, either completely unimpressed or at least pretending to be so very convincing.  
Eventually the man just gave up and walked away to bother someone else.

Both relieved and nervous, Sirius turned his barstool back towards the bar and sat down as the sort-of-stranger took the stool next to him. He tensed for a second as he realised that perhaps he was very keen on getting at the bar as quickly as possible but he never made a plan of what to do once he was there. Story of his life. Luckily the tall man seemed to be prepared as he took a pen from his pocket and a coaster of the bar, scribbling something down. The hand that saved him earlier with such a simple gesture moved the coaster towards him and Sirius cocked his hand to read the neat handwriting.

 _Fancy meeting you here._

The corner of Sirius' mouth twitched in half a smirk as he read the casual opening.

 **The please is all mine.**

Their fingers touched when he shoved the coaster back towards the conversation starter and a probably pleasant jolt shot through his stomach. After a few seconds the coaster found its way back.

 _We have some explaining to do._

 **You start.**

Sirius watched as the man, his friendly face somewhat pain and slightly biting his lip, hoovered the pen over the coaster, seemingly searching for the right words. He was surprised when the coaster returned his way with just three simple words scrabbled on it.

 _Short version; divorced._

Sirius read the short sentence a few times over. He could be lying just to get him to come home with him again, sure.. But the longer he thought it over, the more it made sense. He wasn't very good at guessing ages but it seemed like the kid was about 8 years old, perhaps? A kid that age should have toys lying around. Perhaps pictures of a happy family on the table or something. There had been none of the sort as far as he could remember. No tiny coat on the coatrack or little shoes in the hallway. No female ones either so perhaps.. Perhaps it was true.  
 _  
_A slender hand shoved the pen over the bar towards him and their fingers shortly touched again as Sirius took it. He shook off the shiver the touch brought with it and hovered over the coaster to write an answer but he couldn't really find a short version. And so he decided to go for the truth.

 **Arranged marriage.**

He was about to shove it back before quickly adding another scribble.

 **Also not my baby.  
**  
 _I'm sorry to hear that._

Sirius smiled vaguely and they sort of started a little coaster conversation until it was almost entirely blue from all the scribbles.

 **Well.. It happens.**

 _Is that why you.. do this?_

 **Pick up men in bars?**

 _More or less._

 **So do you**

 _So it seems. Second time though_

 **A handsome guy like you? Bitch please**

The other man snorted and Sirius' stomach flipped a few times at the sound. It was the most sound he had come from the man from now on. It frightened him. It made all this so much more real. There was a short pause before the man decided to write his answer.

 _Thank you. But I have a complicated past. I guess._

 **Perhaps you can tell me one day.**

 _Will you tell me yours?_

 **I might.  
**

They continued their rather empty conversation for quite some time until the coasters was almost entirely blue and they struggled to find places to continue their conversation . _  
_ **  
Sorry I walked out on you last time**

 _It's alright. Perhaps it was a bit fast._

 **Perhaps. Still. Shouldn't have.**

The man hesitated again and Sirius knew just what he was about to read when the man scribbled something more.

 _Do you have to be home anytime soon?_

Sirius wondered if his stomach was even still attached to something with all the flipping it was doing lately.

 **I'm supposedly staying with a friend. So no.**

 _Can I ask you over for another cup of coffee?_

Sirius didn't even bother to write another answer but just jumped of his barstool. He caught a glimpse of a shy smile when the other man stood next to him and offered him his arm. It was such a sweet gesture Sirius almost automatically shortly leaned his head against the man's shoulder, inhaling the warm scent before standing up straight again. He couldn't completely remember where to go anymore and so he obediently followed, sticking out his tongue when they passed the geezer outside who was having a heated discussion with the bouncer.  
 **  
**.o.o.o.o.o.

The house was pretty much the same but this time Sirius felt more at ease as well as nervous. Still he took the time to look around. Eventually he did find a picture of the boy he had seen in the fountain on a small desk in the corner. There was also a box by the window which he assumed probably held the kid's toys. So there was indeed a son and it didn't seem as if he lived with this man all the time. So probably with the mother.

The kind man soon returned with a cup of coffee for Sirius and a cup of tea for himself. He sat down next to Sirius on the couch and their knees sort of touched as they sipped. The hot liquid was a very welcome change from the beers and even though he wasn't drunk, it did make him feel as if he was sobering up.

It was different this time. They hadn't hugged or shyly smiled at each other yet. There was something in the air and they both knew what it was. This were cleared now. They more or less knew and accepted the other's circumstances. As if they were vague friends. Things could happen now. Things probably would happen now.

Sirius glanced beside him. The man was softly blowing the hot tea. It was so homely and sweet. But the distant look in his eyes betrayed a certain amount of nerves hunted him too. Had he ever been with a man before? Perhaps. Sirius redirected his gaze to his jeans and smirked as a slightly arrogant thought shot through his mind, doubting they would've been as gorgeous as he was. He damn well knew what he looked like. That's why he picked these clothes, from his biker boots to his tight, plain white shirt.

They sat in silence for a few minutes while they carefully sipped their drinks. It was Remus who finished his drink first and while he placed his cup on the table before them, Sirius quickly downed the rest of his coffee, pretending as if it didn't feel as if he just burnt his throat. They sat in silence. Neither of them seemed all too sure what to do and so Sirius decided it was probably best if he made the first move. And so he did. He watched the man's hand, resting on his own leg just a few inches from his own. Slowly he moved his own hand and slid his fingers over the long, slender digits. This time not ignoring the lightning in his head. It felt good. Their hand entangled a bit as he raised his head to look at the man. He was staring at their enlaced hands and clearly swallowed. Sirius shuffled a little towards him and used his free hand to turn the man's head towards him. Their eyes locked and Sirius marvelled in their colour. It was almost gold. Or at least brown with goldish flecks. They were so warm and kind. He saw himself reflected in them as the man stared back at them. His eyes held such grief that Sirius almost let go of the hand if he hadn't wanted this so bad for way too long.  
He leaned forward and was pleased to feel the man didn't pull back when their lips touched. He deepened the kiss a little, marveling in the softness of his lips and the soft, pleasant smell of his skin creeping up his nose. Then, just as suddenly as it started the man broke of their kiss, placing one protective hand on Sirius' chest.

'Shit. No. I'm so sorry. I can't do this.'

Sirius's head exploded again but this time it was a freezing cold, creeping from his neck all the way down his spine as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over his head. He pulled away so fast he almost tumbled over de arm of the couch, staring at the face in front of him

'I'm sorry if I insult you. It just feel wrong to use you to forget someone else.'

The beers, the coffee, his dinner all seemed to have morphed into some gigantic storm, trying to break its way out of his stomach. He more or less pushed the man aside and stumbled towards the toilet, just in time bending over the pot before everything decided to exit. His head was still racing, thumping. His heart pretty much the same.

 _That voice.._

It was him.

 **Review please, it so much lifts my mood**


	13. Chapter 13

**I swear, getting closer to the ending never gets any easier. I don't want this story to end! Still, I'm quite happy with how it's going and even more so with you people who keep reviewing. That's what makes it worth it after all :)**

 **Thanks to NeonDomino, JDTEA, HGF, sd4ianto and all other reviewers, favorites and followers. You make my day.**

Fast footsteps followed and stopped just in time not to trip over him. A shadow ghosted over the white tiles as Sirius tried to regain his breath and ignore the sour smell.  
"Are you alright? Did I do something wrong? Or was it the coffee?"  
'STOP TALKING' Sirius shouted, still hugging the toilet.  
The man slowly bended forward as if he was approaching a scared animal.  
'I'm sorry.' And he tried to put a hand on Sirius' shoulder, who jumped away, crashing his ribs into the sink.  
'Don't you touch me. Don't you DARE touch me! Leave me alone, that's what you do best, don't you!' He said, this time in a calmer but also significantly colder voice. And that proved that what he feared was true. The man stumbled back, his eyes wide and his skin so pale he could be dead. Though Sirius completely missed out on that as he refused to look up. The man's fingers grabbed for the doorpost and Sirius felt like he was dying himself too. Everything was tumbling, racing, spinning. Everything he ever thought or felt considering Remus raced through his mind and he was so certain the man standing opposite him right now was that exact same man. And if there was still any doubt within his soul, it got destroyed the moment the man uttered one single word.  
'S-..Sirius?'

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut in the hope it would stop the world from spinning so fast but it didn't. He was sure he had never felt this bad in his life. Not the moment he married Bellatrix of the first time he shared her bed. Not even when he heard she was pregnant and he was supposed to raise a kid that wasn't even his. Knowing that, out of all the people in the world, he just bumped into Remus at a time he was just starting to forget about him was cruel. Knowing that the first person he kissed in ages and actually enjoying it was.. Oh God. Sirius turned around and tried to keep himself upright by grasping the sink and felt as if his mind was about to explode. They kissed. _They kissed._ He kissed Remus and he didn't even know. He pressed his lips on Remus' without any real sense of love. Without the knowledge he finally got to touch what he so longed for. It just happened. Unaware. It ruined _everything.  
_  
He turned around to walk out of the bathroom but realised just in time Remus was still blocking the entrance and so he turned around to grab hold of his buddy the sink, again. He didn't want to face Remus. He simply couldn't. He had been staring at the man for so long without knowing who he was. Doing so with the knowledge this was Remus, the man he fell in love with in such a ridiculous manner and who had just left him like that was just too much. He'd had to acknowledge that his eyes were so kind and warm. How soft his hair looked. How warm his skin burned through his sweater and the pleasant smell of chocolate and something herbal that hung around him.. How it felt to hug him, to feel his arms around his shoulders. His cheek on his hair.  
Remus used to be a voice without a body. Then, unaware, he was a body without a voice. How could either of them ever be ready to be both. His legs suddenly decided they were sick of the weight of this information and he sank to the floor, one hand still sort of holding on onto the sink. The tiles were hard and cold and hurt his knees.

'Please answer me. Sirius?'  
It sounded more like he was questioning the situation than asking Sirius to answer and that pissed him off even more. Though not as much as the whole situation altogether. The absence of a physical form, no matter how close, made him feel exactly as he had before. The voice was, even now, so calm and friendly that is still seemed to sooth him. Despite him trying to be as angry as he probably could be because he knew Remus deserved just that. And so he grunted before he answered.

'What's with the doubt. Do you get this response a lot once you start talking?'  
There was a soft gasp behind him as Remus had the same experience. They fell silent for a while and it took Remus quite some time to regain the power of speech.  
'You can hardly blame me. This is so .. coincidental.'  
The world didn't do any justice to the situation but it was just that. Coincidental.  
'I dyed my brother pink a week before my wedding. If that convinces you. ' Sirius mumbled and he could feel the body behind him shift a bit. The corner of his mouth twitched as he involuntarily wondered whether Remus was trying to hold back the same response that had escaped him the first time he had heard this confession.  
'And I snorted.' The man behind him said, a soft hint of laughter ghosting his voice. And suddenly the world was quiet. It stopped spinning and turning and even the pounding in Sirius' head reduced as the happenstance started to settle. They were really here in a small and smelly bathroom. Remus seemed to have the same thought as he heard some shuffling and an unexpected flushing of a toilet. A soft whooshing sound turned out to be an air freshener as the tiny cold drops landed on his skin and the air smelled significantly better. Then the man sat back down on the floor, so close to Sirius it made him wonder if aura was a real thing for he was sure he could feel Remus'.

That was the moment it happened. He hardly had any time to think about auras and who knows what. It just made sense. A leg straightened out on his left and he was sure he heard the other leg do something similar behind him. His hand, though hesitant, let go of the sink and fell back into his lap the moment one hand ghosted over his shoulder. And this time he didn't feel like shrugging it off or shouting. Slowly he leaned into the movement while the other hand formed around his waist. He was still angry. He was still confused. But as his back came to a halt against the sweater-clad chest that smelled of chocolate and something herbal and the arms pulled him closer ever so softly, things just seemed to fall into place. It fitted. It was awkward and warm and painful and welcome. It was everything and nothing and aargh. So much more.

'I am sorry Sirius. I truly am.'  
The voice startled him for a second, so much closer to his ear than he had expected it. The man's breath, though he could probably call him Remus for sure now, ghosted past his cheek, making all of this even more real.  
'For what.' He sounded more bitter than he meant to. Or maybe not enough. Who knew.  
'Everything. Everything I ever did or said. For leaving you, most of all.'  
'I think you owe me an explanation for that.'  
'I believe I do.'

There was a silence. A painful, lingering silence that seemed to bounce of the clean, white tiles around them.  
'Perhaps we should find a more comfortable place.'  
Sirius shrugged. His ass was hurting from the tiles. And Remus, a tad older, was probably hurting a little more too. But he didn't exactly want to face Remus. See him, more. Make it even more real than it already seemed to be. But the man seemed to understand just fine.  
'You can go first, if you don't want to look at me.'  
But Sirius didn't want to get up at all. No matter how awkward the situation, there was something comforting in it too. 


End file.
